stand-up rant II

23.01.'09 | nephrite

I love the Bible. There´s so much fucked up stuff in there. Like the tale of Moses. Man, those Jews. Crazy motherfuckers. Like that time when Moses went up the mountain to get the 10 commandments. The second he turned around the corner all shit turned loose. The Jews started to rip their clothes off, started to drink and fuck and fornicate. They were sacrificing virgins left and right and building huge statues of cows to worship for no particular fucking reason. So there they are sodomizing each other while laughing about it and smoking shit. I have no idea what they smoked. They were in the fucking desert. There was no weed. But, they had to smoke something. Maybe they smoked pubic hair.
"Here! Roll it up!"
"You have a secret stash, you jewfucker!"
Yeah, I just made up a word.
And then Moses comes back from the mountain whistling and carrying the 10 commandments. And he sees a bunch of crazy circumcised beard-sporting lunatics doing all kinds of crazy shit to each other and their farm animals. Drinking blood out of infant skulls. It´s like Sodom & Gomorrah, before Sodom & Gomorrah!
And he´s like: "What the fuck are you doing? What. The. Fuck. I just went behind the bush to take a piss and you fuckers fucked everything up. What the fuck? What are you doing? Yeah you! Put that virgin down. Put here down. I said put the fucking virgin down." Throws the tablets at the guy hits him square on the head. "There. I said put her down, motherfucker. Fuck! Look what you made me do. I broke the fucking tablets. It took me like 4 hours to transcribe that shit. Now, I´m gonna have to do it all over again. Is he dead? Oh great. I killed him. That was number 6 on the list! Just great. Jesus Christ!
What Samuel? What? What does Jesus Christ mean? I have no fucking idea. It was just something God kept repeating every time I misspelled something on the tablet. Boo-fucking-hoo! Sorry, I didn´t go to fucking college and learned perfect grammar but instead chose to save my people from slavery. I don´t know what it means, Samuel, and since I have your attention, how about you remove your penis from your grandfather´s ass? No, that wasn´t on the tablets. God thought it was obvious. And what is that? Is that a golden sheep? Oh, my bad. A cow. I´m sorry, Aaron. How about you stop correcting me, shut the fuck up and go wash that feces of your face. And put some pants."

Jews. They need constant parental supervision. You leave them for one second and they start shit up. I mean it´s a nation that managed to get itself into slavery. How the fuck did they do that? Here´s Israel over here and there´s Egypt over there. Somehow they all relocated and ended up as slaves. That´s a fucking accomplishment. It was like God said: "Gee, I´m out of sugar. Hey, Joseph! Here! Take this cup and go over to Egypt and ask the pharaoh for some sugar. ´Gimme some sugah, baby.´ Tell him God said that. That Ra worshipping asshole will know what I´m talking about. Heh! Uuuh, I gotta pee."
And he leaves to find some privacy, and Joseph goes to Egypt. The rest of Israel then proceeds to simply follow little Joseph like sheep cause they had nothing better to do.
"Hey guys! Wanna be our slaves?"
"Errm… Sure! Why not?"
Parental. Supervision. No wonder back in the old days, God had to talk to them all the time. They are like lemmings. "Turn left. NO! The other left!" Leave them alone for a second and they´ll walk off a cliff.
I see some disappointed Palestinian faces in the audience going: "Yeah, why don´t they do that?"

But, back to the Bible. I also love the Cain & Abel Story. You see the Cain & Abel came in the Bible at a point where there was a strong shift in methodology of storytelling moving from the more fantastic elements of the early mythology into the realm of realistic world building. In short, there were no talking snakes in this one. Or any other talking animal for that matter. A Giant Omnipresent Super Being was still there, but he´s kind of the main character…
Anyway, God comes to Cain & Abel and demands a sacrifice in his honor from the two of them. Cain says: "Okay." and brings some fruit. Abel brings some sheep. Or one. I don´t know. Didn´t actually read the bloody thing. And God is all like: "Your sacrifice sucks, Cain. Yours, Abel on the other hand is Awesome! You suck Cain. Seriously you suck beyond words because I haven´t even invented words for how much you suck. I don´t think I even can. And I´m omnipotent last time I checked! That´s how much you suck."
Cain of course is a bit baffled. God clarifies by saying that he didn´t bring his best fruit. This causes Cain to lose his shit.
"The fuck? Why do you even need my fruit? You are God. You don´t eat! Am I supposed to throw away my best fruit just to feed your ego? I work fucking hard for that fruit. Farming is fucking difficult. Sheepherding on the other hand… You know what it takes to be a sheepherder? You need to sit under a tree and watch your fucking sheep eat grass. Grass that by the way, I fucking planted. Seed by seed. Okay, maybe some of it I just threw around and let the wind do some work, but a lot of it I did one grass at the time. So that´s actually my sheep, ´cause I fed it. And don´t give me that ´I´m the Creator of all Things so that means I created that grass´ bullshit. That´s my fucking grass. You know what, screw you, if you wanted my best fruit, why didn´t you just go over there to my cellar and pick whatever banana you want and left me out of this retarded sacrifice melodrama? Shut the fuck up, Abel. I´m gonna say whatever the fuck I want. You shut up or I´ll beat you up with this turnip. I´m gonna shove this carrot up your ass. Yeah, I know it´s not my biggest carrot. You want me to go to the cellar and get the biggest carrot? Unless, God wants it for his soup that he´s never gonna eat! You want the big carrot up your ass? You gonna have rectal bleeding for a year. You what? You gonna tell mom? Where the fuck is mom? I´ve never even seen the bitch since she gave birth to you. She never even spoke to us. Hell, she barely said a word to anyone ever since the apple eating incident of -5292! So why don´t you and God have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up! So, what´s it gonna be?"
And as you know the whole thing ended badly.