stand-up rant

05.12.'06 | nephrite

Cat people. I hate cat people. They´re those fuckers that come to you on message boards the minute you mention a dog, like they can smell you, and start yapping about how cats are better.
Shut the fuck up. Stay on topic.
One of my favorite "cats are better" arguments is "cats are cleaner".
Oh really? Why is that? Is it because they lick themselves? Cause that doesn´t mean shit. I can lick myself. I can´t reach my balls, but I´m working on it.
Did I miss a memo that says that cat saliva is the secret ingredient in Palmolive soaps?
It ain´t!
By this brilliant logic, if I came to your house in the morning, rang the bell, you opened the front-door and I spit in your face, you´d call that a morning wash.
"Hey, Bill! If you open your mouth, you won´t have to brush your teeth!"
Shut the fuck up! Cats are filthy. You know what? My dog can go out every day and jump into a mountain of shit, and he´s still gonna be cleaner then any cat. You know why? Cause he still isn´t fuckin´ his children!
As long as he´s staying out of the whole pedophilia/incest territory, he´s clean in my book.
Cat people. Fuckin´ cat people.
I don´t get into many verbal arguments with them ´cause, you know, I know one thing.
If push comes to shove, I know I can beat the shit out of any cat person out there. I can open a can of whoop-ass on the cat people.
Cat people are not known for there kung-fu skills. When it comes to fist-fights, cat people are not the thing that legends are made off. I can fuck them up.
You don´t hear many stories how a cat person excels in a fist fight.
"Yeah, we were in Glasgow for the football match and then these five Rangers fans just sprang out of nowhere, looking for blood. Our blood. Then all of the sudden Tom, who is the proud owner of six baby kittens... just showed them that they´ve chosen the wrong groups of experimental theater group actors to fuck with.
He´s a bad-ass. You don´t wanna fuck with Purrrry Tom. He´s a person you don´t wanna fuck with."

People you don´t wanna fuck with. I made a list of three people I would never wanna mess with. All three are fictional, which if you follow my alcohol induced logic means I´m the baddest motherfucker on the planet.
Three people: Jack Bauer, Batman and Superman. Don´t fuck with them.
Jack Bauer is like a hurricane. He only comes once a year, but you remember it.
"Yeah, I was just walking out of the beauty salon. I went there for some tanning, when all of the sudden Jack shows up, and shoots me in the knee! ´Dammit´ he screams! Dammit? What the fuck did you shoot me for? ´You looked suspicious. Your skin is darker then it´s customary for this time of the season.´ Fuck yeah, it is! I was in the tanning salon!"
God, I hope Jack never goes rogue. I don´t think Democracy would survive his wrath.

Then there´s Batman. I don´t need to explain Batman. He is a guy dressed as a bat for no obvious reason. It scares me. It should scare you.
Sure he´s got that whole explanation thing going: "Criminals are cowardly and superstitious lot. Therefore I will dress as a ba--"
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up a bit. Cowardly and superstitious? Where did this come from? Man, Bruce Wayne is like Buddha. He has no fuckin´ idea what a criminal looks like. Fuck, at that point he only ever saw one. And that one killed his parents. And as it happens he wore a rabbit´s foot with him. And he ran away after the deed. IT ALL MAKES PERFECT SENSE!

Then there´s Superman.
I know what you´re thinking: "Superman ain´t so bad-ass". Well, he is. Jack Bauer and Batman are scary, but they can´t drop-kick you into the Sun.
Superman can. And he would.
"But, he´s such a nice guy."
Yeah. To you. He ain´t so nice to criminals. I bet he breaks their arms left and right.
"You like stealing, huh? Well, go steal now. Pick up your hand and go steal now."
Then he drop-kicks them into the Sun. You don´t hear about many criminals having fun in Metropolis. Cause they´re on their way into the Sun.
He goes to Gotham to visit Batman. "Hey, Batsy, why do you always fight with the Joker. Didn´t you fight him... last Friday? You want me to drop-kick him into the Sun? I know he´s all white, with green hair, and dressed in a purple suit. But, I bet he can´t survive a head-on collision with the Sun. The Sun doesn´t cringe on bad color-coordination. Trust me. I know. So, what you say?"

"I´ll handle it alone."

"No, you won´t. Unless you have some kind of Launch-People-Into-The-Stratosphere-Spray in your utility belt. And what´s with covering your face with the cape and the acting all dark and theatrical before me? Don´t you know I have X-Ray vision? I can see that you haven´t changed your underwear since Wednesday. I can see pimples you had when you were fourteen. And what´s up with the underwear? Aren´t you super-rich? Can´t you afford underwear? Or is Alfred to busy to help you dress?"

Boy-scout my ass.
Drop-kicking people. Into the Sun.
That´s a super-power I´d love to have. Think about it. It´s like playing football... on a galactic scale.
But, I bet it ain´t easy. You have to be careful that when you drop-kick someone, so that they don´t, you know, explode at the moment your ATOMIC FOOT impacts their fragile not-so-atomic body. SPLAT!
"Uhhh, man. This will be a bitch to clean. I can´t see Wong-Choo at the dry-cleaners happy about this one."

Another super-power is crushing someone´s hand during hand-shakes. Wouldn´t that be useful? Superman does it all the time.
"Hey, Clark let me shake your hand. You´re such a wimp, you know-ow-ow-OOOOAAAHHHH!"
And nobody ever notices this: "Man, you crush my hand just like Superman... Oh, well..."
Superman loves doing this. Like when General Zod came and went all: "Kneel before Zod, biatch!"
I haven´t seen the film since I was a kid, so the dialogue might be a bit off. "Get on your knees, puta! Kiss my ring! ARRRGHHHH! Fuck. Whatcha did that for? You broke, like, all my bones. I will never be able to hold a cigarette straight, man. You mean."
Useful, I tell you.
Like when meeting your girlfriend´s dad for the first time, and you know how they always test your strength by squeezing your hand? I can see the expression on ol´ fucktard´s face when the pain reaches his fish-brain.
"How you like that, Horace? I´ll be fuckin´ your daughter tonight. And there´s nothing you can do ´bout it, since you´ll be at ER all night long."
Another useful super-power would be: Killing a person with a coin. Man, I can´t tell you how many times I wanted to have this ability. That or laser-vision. But, coins are cooler. Someone giving you lip? ZING! Somebody cuts you off at the grocery store? FLING!
Your mother-in-law nagging you?
"What are you doing? What are you doing with your life? You have no job! You have no prospects! You can´t support my Lilly! What is my Lilly suppose to do with a sad-ass motherfucker like you? You have no money do you? How much money do you got?"

"Well, I have these 50 cents in my pocket..."