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    he-man - vision of the future | Kolumne v3.0

    he-man - vision of the future

    20.07.'05 | nephrite

    MATTEL: Hello?

    NEF: Hello, is this Mattel©?

    MATTEL: Yes, this is Mattel's Departme--

    NEF: Good. Cause I wanted to talk to you about He-Man. You know that guy that made you a shitload of money back in the day?

    MATTEL: Yes. We are aware of He-Man and other registered trademarks of Ma--

    NEF: Good. You see, I have a vision. A vision of He-Man. A vision of making another shitload of money on this big '80's comeback that is rocking the world. Stick your head out the window Mr. Mattel--

    MATTEL: My name is not Ma--

    NEF: Shut the fuck up for a moment. Notice how everybody has stupid haircuts, and listens to Kajawagoogoo, and smells really badly? That's be cause the '80's are back. And what was big in the '80's?

    MATTEL: He-Man?

    NEF: Damn fuckin' right he was. Off course my artistic vision of the characters portrayed in the original series and toy line is drastically different then the previous ones. It could be applied in cartoons, comic books or even a series of feature films--

    MATTEL: Mister… I'm sorry I didn't catch your name...

    NEF: My name is not important. What's important is making He-Man important again. And let me tell you. It's not an easy task. Making a guy with furry underwear cool is difficult as hell.
    What I want is to really delve into the psychology of the character's dual identity. Where does Adam stop, and He-Man begin? Why the fuck can't anybody tell the difference between the two of them? It's not like Adam brushes his hair differently, or walks with a limp and talks like a pirate! Do pink pantyhoses really make that much of a difference? Is Teela really that stupid?
    The cool idea I had was that maybe He-Man and Adam aren't the same person. That maybe they're just to two completely identical persons. I decided to call this fascinating new discovery "twins". In a world with talking tigers, this really isn't a difficult concept to comprehend. So He-Man noticed the obvious similarities between them, and invited Adam for a little make-out session. Then he smashed Adam's skull against his own biceps thus killing him, so that he can get access to the castle's harem... And access to news about troubles that Skeletor and all those other fucks are causing all over Eternia, off course.
    But where's Adam you might ask? Well, my guess is that he's behind some barn, rotting away, while worms are eating his brains and Orko is practicing oral sex.

    MATTEL: I don't think that the creators of He-Man had in mind--

    NEF: Who cares what those hacks had in mind. Listen to my brilliant ideas!

    MATTEL: I'm just saying that it seems that your ideas are really not kid-friendly--

    NEF: Kids? Kids don't care about He-Man! Kids care about Pokemon, Ghostbusters and... and...

    MATTEL: Barbie?

    NEF: Fuck that blonde bitch! Actually, I bet you do. There's probably a real-life sized prototype circulating the offices of top Mattel© executives right now. Am I right? Wink-wink!

    MATTEL: Wink-wink?

    NEF: It's okay. I understand you can't talk about it. I'm sure I'll be informed about your Puppet-Fucking Society's adventures once I become part of the Inner Circle.
    But, to get back on topic, what's up with Power Sword? Adam's like wearing it strapped to his back. It should be a dead give-away about his identity. But, somehow it's like invisible and shit! Until he decides to use it! Freaky, isn't it?

    MATTEL: I really don't care--

    NEPHRITE: What do you mean you don't care? This is He-Man we are talking about!

    MATTEL: I see...

    NEPHRITE: Where was I? And how come Adam is considered such a sissy, wearing pink pantyhose and all, but He-Man wears a freakin' bra and it's considered masculine? As you see, it's these kind of important issues that I will be tackling once I get full creative control over He-Man.

    MATTEL: Mister...

    NEF: It's Nephrite. That's my artistic name. I have it tattooed on my biceps. It says: "NEPHRITE IZ DA BONKERS SEXY UND FUNNY". Unfortunately, I'm a bit skinny so to many people NEPHRITE looks like NEBLITE, and it confuses them. But, they're all stupid, anyway.

    MATTEL: I have to tell you Mr. Nephrite, we already have people handling He-Man and other properties--

    NEF: Fuck them! Say it!

    MATTEL: Fuck them?

    NEF: Damn right. My vision of the character is the best. Especially, the Biblical parallels.

    MATTEL: Biblical parallels?

    NEF: Yes. Adam has a father and a mother, right? The King and Queen of Eternia. Well the King is God, Queen's Virgin Mary, and Adam is Jesus. But I can see why you don't see it. It's because I'm so much smarter then you.

    MATTEL: Off course.

    NEF: Also, I really want to explore the character of Man-At-Arms. What makes him tick? Why doesn't he just end his misery? Why does he call himself Man-At-Arms? I've never seen him use any weapons. Why does he wear that stupid helmet? And what the fuck is it with those mustaches?
    Actually my first story would be about Man-At-Arms being sexually violated. Maybe we could get a Schillinger cameo. Getting the Oz audience would really make us a lot of money.
    Anyway, He-Man and others decide that mind-wiping Man-At-Arms would be the best. But they also decide that while they're at it, they might as well change his personality. Cause he's such a boring fuck, anyway. But later the whole thing blows into their faces, and Man-At-Arms goes crazy, and they're forced to kill him, by showing Power Sword up his ass. After they do it, they have a big luau-party/orgy to celebrate getting rid of a lame-ass moron as Man-At-Arms.
    Also I would like a permission to kill Orko. He's dumb, and annoying, and I want him dead.
    And you know what they say. A happy worker is a good worker. So make me happy, and let me kill this fucking hemorrhoid-inducing-fuck.

    MATTEL: Sir, our research tells us that he's quite popu--

    NEF: Popular? I'll tell you how popular Orko is. You know who likes Orko? Kids! Retards! And Canadians! CA-NA-DI-ANS!

    MATTEL: I'm Canadian.

    NEF: My condolences. Does your wife know? Cause, you really should tell her. It's not fair to keep that a secret from her.

    MATTEL: She knows.

    NEF: Does she? Cause if you told her that you're a Mexican, I have to tell you that it's not the same. A woman my find a way a reason to go on living, even with a Mexican in the house. After all, they sleep quietly in the corner, and clean up the house, and they can survive solely on cheese. They don't need much to entertain them. Just a big wheel. But, a Canadian is a whole different matter.

    MATTEL: ...

    NEF: Well, where was I? Killing Orko. That's right. Trust me, this isn't a rush decision, or a personal vendetta against a fictional ghost character from a cartoon. I spent the last 6 months thinking about killing Orko. My friends tell me that my conversation skills have dropped drastically in the last 6 months be cause of my obsession (as they call it) with killing Orko. They say, that's all I ever talk about. And they're right! But, do they understand the importance of killing the little gnome? I DON'T THINK SO!

    MATTEL: Yes. I see.

    NEF: But, lets move on. Oh, yes. Teela. I would really like to make her really slutty. Actually, after the Man-At-Arms episodes, I'd like to have an 18-episode saga of Teela getting, what I call, Lust Virus. The Lust Virus makes Teela incredibly horny, kinda like your Barbie-Sex-Bot.

    MATTEL: Sir, I assure you--

    NEF: Yeah, off course. My lips are sealed. Anyway, Teela is horny as hell, and her primary imperative is to fuck her way all over Eternia. Alphabetically, and by size. The problem is that Teela fucks so good, that men are drained of their Sex-Power, and they die like dried prunes.
    All but one!
    That's right. He-Man! The name says it all. He can't be drained of his Sex-Power, no matter how much blowjobs he gets from Teela. He was chosen by the Sorceress, by the Sorceress! And I bet, we all know why exactly the Sorceress chose him. Those furry Speedos hide many secrets. And any man who on a daily basis walks outside in an iron bra, and does not get ridiculed, has got to be good at something. And it ain't his degree in Economics. Geddit?

    MATTEL: Not really.

    NEF: He's good at fucking, you dumb Canadian!
    Also, I would like to explore the villains gallery of Eternia. Who are they? What are their motivations? Like, for example Skeletor. What's his problem? He has a nice piece of beach property, up there on Skull Mountain. What does he care about a bunch of red necks that can't even figure out He-Man's secret identity? Just look at them. They have laser- guns, and they drive around in funky futuristic pimpmobiles. And, yet when trouble comes, they rely all their hopes on a Conan-wannabe with gay haircut!
    Maybe Skeletor just wants to kill them out of pity. But to find out people are going to have to buy the comic book.
    So what do you say, Mr. Mattel, do we have a deal.

    MATTEL: You do realize, I'm just the janitor, and that none of the people in charge of He-Man are around here.

    NEF: So, I just spent a fortune on long-distance phone-call to talk to a Canadian wannabe-Mexican who likes Orko?

    MATTEL: Yes.

    NEF: Fuck.

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